I don’t have what it takes to stay sober on my own. When I was a newcomer in Alcoholics Anonymous, I would go in the bathroom at the halfway house, and I because I don’t believe in God, I would push the throw rug up against the crack underneath the door so no one would peek in to see me pray. I get down on my knees and I say, “Okay, whatever is out there, I’m scared, and I need some help.” At the end of the day, I would just simply get down in there on my knees and I thank whatever. Well after doing this consistently, some funny things started happening to me. From the moment of this expression of willingness things began to change in my life. I didn’t understand that the physical demonstrations are so powerful in Alcoholics Anonymous. I had a complete change of attitude. I actually didn’t know what that meant for a long time. Pilots talk about attitude. It’s the angle of approach, and if you got a bad attitude an airplane, you’re going to hit the side of a mountain. So you must adjust your attitude your angle of approach. See the problem with me and God, is not God, it is my angle of approach. From the moment I started to take actions that went against my natural inclinations, what I started to do was to change my angle of approach.
So I was started to access this grace, this power. Amazing stuff started happening to me from the moment I started praying when I was living in this halfway house. I got one roommate that’s shooting heroin and another one that’s smoking pot and I was on thin ice. Then, out of nowhere, a guy came to me and offered me a job with room and board living in a treatment center for teenagers and my job was to be the house manager. I’m telling you this job was divinely crafted for me. It did not give me a lot of money, because if I suddenly came in to a lot of money at that time, I would have ended up in a saloon. But it was just enough money to start chipping away at some amends. It was enough money to put in the basket at meetings and maybe get a pack of cigarettes. This job put me in a position to think of others and I could get to two meetings a day.
When I lived there, it was perfect. It got me out of a very dangerous situation and I didn’t even look for that job, it just came to me. I had other things happen to me too. I would go through these really awful mood swings that early sobriety often brings because I did not understand myself enough to know why I was having them. One minute I would feel like I’m on top of the world, and the next minute I would go into this abyss. I had dozens and dozens of experiences like that where I’d go to some meeting, and there would be a stranger there talking about what’s going on with me, and he’s got my answer. I remember one time coming in to a meeting, I just I was so frazzled from work.
I went to a noon meeting and I was going nuts. I’m right I’m going to go back after the new meeting and quit my job because they’ve been disrespecting me and taking advantage of me and it’s just it just really been it’s been bad. I go to a meeting and there’s a stranger there talking about something that went on with him in the job and all of a sudden he’s like oh my god I don’t have to quit my job. In fact, I have to make amends to my boss for being an idiot. That would never have occurred to me naturally, never. See, this is when I started to experience the hand of something working in my life.